When songwriting goes bad

Lyrics are powerful things, etched in our minds and often our skin as a permanent reminder of how one song really spoke to us.

But to balance out the brilliant, there are some real bombshells dropped by sometimes some of the biggest names in the business.

And for too long we’ve let these words go in one ear and out the other. Now I’m no musical mastermind, but here are some of the lines that have been seared into my memory for all the wrong reasons.

 

The Lazy Song

“I’m gonna kick my feet up, then stare at the fan, turn the TV on, throw my hand down my pants. Nobody’s gonna tell me I can’t.”

Well, Bruno Mars, I normally love you and your silky-smooth vocals so much that I’m not going to tell you that you can’t, I’m just going to say it’s a little weird that you’ve decided to write a musical ode about it. And possibly even more worrying that it’s currently at #2 in the UK Top 40 singles chart.

 

Womanizer

“Maybe if we both lived in a different world, it would be all good and maybe I would be your girl but I can’t, ‘cause we don’t.”

Thanks for clearing that up, Britney.

 

Friday

“Yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday.

We, we, we, we so excited, we so excited.

Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.”

Frankly, as we all know, Rebecca Black – or whoever came up with this monstrosity of a song for her – is in a league of their own when it comes to truly terrible lyrics. But you know the worst part is? I don’t even care about the words anymore, I’m most annoyed about the blatant ignorance of basic grammar.

 

Midnight Show

“You got a real short skirt, I wanna look up, look up, look up, look up, yeah, yeah.”

This coming from the same philosophical thinkers that brought us the line “Are we human or are we dancer?” The Killers disappoint.

 

Helicopter

“My piano’s out of tune, I wish it wasn’t, I wish we had more time.

I wish that my world was softer, and I want a helicopter.”

The Feeling send my head in a spin. What is this song even about? Because it sounds like a spoilt child guilt-tripping his stingy parents in a toy shop.

 

Firework

“Do you ever feel… like a plastic bag?”

No, Katy Perry, in fact I’d go as far to say that thought has probably never crossed my mind.

 

I’m a bomb

“Dressed to kill I’ll be causing mass destruction, so shield your eyes.

I’m all steamed up and ready to blow, pressure max, meter red, overload.

To get release I gotta explode. I’m a bomb, can you hear me tick? Beware if you turn me on, there is no safety switch.

I’m a bomb, use only steady hands, to mess with me, you must be a brave man.”

We all get the message, Natasha Bedingfield, but somehow I don’t think it’s you that’s going to pose the real threat to my health here, just the sheer impact of three minutes with this one analogy smacking me repeatedly in the face. Ouch.

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